


Choices

by Obscurilicious



Category: The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, ben barnes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 14:59:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15709569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obscurilicious/pseuds/Obscurilicious
Summary: Reader insert story after the events of Season One of The Punisher.





	1. Chapter 1

You shook your head at the sound of the manic pressing of the button attached to the patient’s IV pole.

“It’s timed. You can’t have more until the timer goes off. If it’s not covering your pain, we’ll need to let your doctor know,” you said professionally.

“I can deal with pain,” a voice rasped from within a mound of bandages.

“You can’t OD, either,” you said, knowing that the patient was on suicide watch.

Your entire job was because he was on suicide watch. You were pursuing your Master’s and working as a Graduate Assistant during the day, and your roommate had gotten you a job overnight at the hospital as a Patient Observation Tech.

You were a glorified babysitter.

Your job consisted of sitting on your ass and staying awake. You spent your time reading or typing for school and making sure that the patient you were watching didn’t fall out of bed or, as with your current case, didn’t off himself.

He was apparently some badass soldier-turned-mercenary who went completely off the rails. He could and would take out himself, you or anyone else who got in his way if he got free – as you were reminded at least twice a night when you came on duty.

This was the first time he’d spoken to you, and you had been babysitting him for a week, off and on. You had been warned not to converse with him any further than necessary. You figured telling him that his continuous clicking wouldn’t work counted. It was necessary for your sanity that he stop making the annoying sound.

“So what, you’re just some loser that sits here and gawks at the freak? You make minimum wage for that? Coz I think they’re paying you too much.”

“That is exactly what I am. Loser who sits,” you replied without looking up from your computer screen.

Billy Russo was miserable and he was tired of being quiet. He could barely see you from within his cocoon of bandages but just the fact that your hands were free to type while he was restrained like he was in a bondage porn irritated the fuck out of him. If he was miserable then you surely deserved to share the wealth.

He started clicking his morphine button again.

“Still on a timer, dude,” you said in a significantly less professional voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry, does my clicking annoy you? Coz you never bothered to ask if your fuckin’ typing annoyed me.”

“Oh!” you said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Russo. That was really inconsiderate of me. I’ll stop. Is it OK if I just like complete this thought real quick? I was on a roll.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he said grumpily, a little disappointed that you weren’t being a bit more entertaining and fighting back.

It only took you about two minutes to wrap up what you were working on before you closed your computer and opened a text book.

“You’re in college, huh?”

“Ah yeah, go to classes for myself, then I teach a few 100 level classes and deal with all the grading and stuff, sleep for a few hours and then come hang out with you. I really am sorry if my typing kept you awake. You look uncomfortable enough without adding in annoying sounds to the mix. Won’t happen again.”

“Eh, it didn’t really bother me that much. I was just being a dick because this room is actually the nicest place I’m gonna see for a long time, y’know?”

“Have you been talking to the nurses or your doctor this much? They all seem to think that there’s not a lot going on under the hood in your noggin.”

“Nah. They just wanna get me out of here sooner.”

“And I don’t?”

“I figure I leave and so does your extra paycheck, right?”

“Ha yeah, truth.”

“So maybe you can talk to me a little?” he said hopefully.

“I’m really not supposed to…” you said hesitantly. “If your guards hear I’ll get my ass chewed.”

“OK well if you don’t I’ll tell them you molested me. You sicko. I’m completely helpless,” he said cheerfully.

You let out a shout of surprised laughter then covered your mouth quickly, eyes darting to the door where the officer guarding Russo peeked in and said, “Everything OK in here? You know you’re not supposed to talk to the prisoner, right?”

“Yes, sorry. Read something unexpectedly funny in my book here. I’ll be quiet. Sorry.”

You heard a suspicious snickering noise from the bed as the agent closed the door again. “Think it’s funny to get me fired, huh?” you whispered, irritated.

“You didn’t get fired.”

“I could have. But why should I expect a narcissistic sociopath to give a shit,” you muttered rhetorically.

“Oh, you’ve diagnosed me? Let me guess: Psych major?”

“Close. Psych undergrad, Criminal Justice Master’s.”

“Sounds like a waste of student loan debt.”

“Yes, please give me career advice, confined criminal.”

“Got me there, babe. Before I got busted though, I was doing pretty well.”

“Yeah, Anvil. Got a subscription to Soldier of Fortune?” you said snidely.

“Bet you didn’t mind when I was over dodging bullets and watching my friends get blown to bits, huh?” he said bitterly.

You sighed. “Yeah, I did, actually. I minded that we were risking all of your lives on a war that we had no business starting, and that is just going to go on forever. I minded every time I read about a soldier dying over there.”

“Oh my God, I’m stuck with a tree hugging hippie. Bet you’re a vegan, too.”

“Ha I may as well be. I live on coffee and whatever crap I can scrounge when my roommate takes pity and buys some groceries.”

“Been there.”

“But no, I eat meat.”

The conversation drifted off and you thought perhaps your patient had, as well.

“Ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are?” he said quietly a while later, his head turned to look at the grey light of morning beginning to light the drizzly sky.

You pondered his question. “Once.”

His bandage-swathed head turned slowly to look at you. “One time in your whole life you’ve wondered how you got where you are. Once.”

You shrugged. “I like to think of the possible outcomes before I make decisions so I don’t have to wallow in self pity afterwards.”

“That what I’m doin’?” he asked sarcastically. “You got me all figured out, huh?”

“Of course not. I doubt I could figure you out in years let alone minutes. But,” you said softly, “that question had more than a hint of regret to it, and I can’t imagine you’re looking forward to whatever is coming next.”

“No I am not,” he whispered.

“And there’s always a natural temptation to blame others for the bad things that happen when we make bad choices.”

“You a cop?” he said harshly.

You laughed quietly. “No, Psych and Criminal Justice, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Look, I’m not here to be your friend. If you don’t like my answers, stop asking me questions. I don’t do diplomatic well.”

“You remind me of Frank,” he said with a wry chuckle. “He doesn’t always play nice with others.”

“Whereas you’re going to be accepting the Nobel Peace Prize soon. Got your speech all written?” you asked in a super innocent voice.

“Bitch.”

“Yup.”

You didn’t chat any more that night.

* * *

You were off the next night and returned the following. You had gotten a few more hours of sleep and were less cranky and more determined to ignore the prisoner’s attempts to converse with you, if in fact he did.

You arrived to relieve his previous sitter and got a brief update on his condition.

“Still not talking, huh?” you whispered, completely disregarding your resolve to ignore him and starting the conversation yourself.

He didn’t answer.

“Hmmm,” you muttered with a shrug. “Guess I was more tired than I thought. Hallucinated the whole thing. Wonder why I gave you such a girly voice in my head though?”

“Very funny,” Billy answered.

“There he is,” you said with a smug smile. “Knew you couldn’t resist a jab to your masculinity.”

“You really do think you know all about me.”

“No, that part just goes with testicles. Any reference to an alpha male’s manliness will draw a response. At least if he’s high,” you shrugged. “Still hitting the morphine button for funsies?”

“Yeah, well, the morphine makes the self pity wallowing so much more meaningful.”

“Looks like I made a friend,” you said with a rueful laugh. “Sorry. I’ll shut up.”

“Why you even talking to me? I’m a narcissistic sociopath and all.”

“Mr. Russo, I don’t hate you. I kinda think I understand you, y’know? You’re a product of your upbringing but you made some really bad choices.”

“Really,” he said, a combination of sarcasm and surprise coloring the single word.

“Yeah. You’re gonna go to prison for what our country taught you and paid you to do. And if you had died doing it, you woulda gotten wrapped in a flag. That’s fucked up, man. Anybody would be fucked up after that.”

“You’re really not a cop?” he asked, quietly amazed.

“I haven’t asked you any questions. From what I’ve heard HSA has a pretty good case against you anyways. I’m just interested from an academic point of view.”

“I’m a fuckin’ case study?” he whispered harshly.

“No no no! I would never…no, Mr. Russo, I am not using you for any sort of paper or formal study. Just the background of…umm…criminals…can be hugely informative of their later actions.”

“You just said my upbringing and training made me a criminal.”

“Nooo, I said that the upbringing was informative, and that you were trained by the government. Nobody made you a criminal but you.”

“You are a cold one.”

“You betcha.”

“How about we psychoanalyze your ass for a while then?”

“What, a little ‘Quid pro quo, Clarice?’” you said in your best Hannibal Lecter voice. “Sorry, babe, I don’t want you to eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

“Oh, sweetheart, if I ate anything on you, you wouldn’t mind at all. In fact, I bet you’d even say please and thank you,” he said in an undeniably seductive tone.

You tilted your head to the side and said, “Ahh I can see how that would work. You’re a very handsome man, I bet you used your looks to get what you wanted all the time, huh?”

Billy laughed bitterly. “I was handsome. God knows what I’ll look like when these fuckin’ bandages come off.”

“Yeah, you must be scared,” you said clinically but slightly sympathetically.

“Yeah,” he said quietly with a catch in his voice. “I don’t wanna be a freak.”

“I mean…Michael Jackson had a completely different face than the one he was born with when he kicked the bucket. He did OK. And he was a disgusting pedophile, so you’re even ahead of the curve there. Wait, you’re not, right?”

“I’m not a fucking pedophile, Y/N!”

“Shhhh!” you shushed him as you looked at the door.

When nobody looked in you said, “I was obviously joking, jackass. If you want a different sitter I’ll request to move but I need this job.”

“Fuck,” he muttered.

“Look, I won’t talk anymore. Not supposed to and I obviously upset you, so I’ll just zip it.”

You sat down and started reading a book you were considering as a reference for your thesis. It was an older book but you thought it could demonstrate the progression of thought on your chosen subject. You didn’t want to use too much from it, just background, but –

“Sorry.”

“What?”

“Sorry I was loud. I don’t want you to get fired and I don’t want you to transfer.”

“What? Why not?”

“You’re the only person who doesn’t turn up their nose like they smell something rotten whenever they look at me.”

“I’m not your friend, Mr. Russo,” you said quietly.

“I know that, Y/N. I don’t get to have those anymore.”

“Did you ever?”

Billy looked at you for a minute before he answered. “I had people who I cared about and who cared about me.”

“And you killed them.”

“Some of ‘em.”

“Because you never loved them more than you love yourself.”

He looked at you sharply. “You don’t even sound like you’re judging me. Why is that?”

“Told ya, Hannibal, I ain’t playing quid pro quo.”

“I think you got plenty of issues of your own, huh?”

“Nice try,” you said with a nervous laugh.

“Ohhh I heard that little quiver in your voice. I’m either making you horny or I hit close to home. Which is it, sweetheart?”

“Neither!”

“It’s one or the other, babe. So what, you like your men tied down? Wanna climb on? Gotta admit, I wouldn’t mind at all.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said something like that and I don’t like it.”

“Or you like it too much.”

You sat down and picked up your book, ignoring him again. He attempted to talk to you a few more times but your ability to completely disregard his existence surpassed his ability to stay awake with the pain medication in his system.


	2. Chapter 2

The next night when you arrived for your shift, he spoke to you shortly after you unpacked your books and settled in.

“So are we on speaking terms here?”

“That depends entirely on you, Mr. Russo. Can you be a good boy?” you asked fake sternly.

“Christmas is just around the corner, what will you give me if I’m a good boy?” he said in a naughty voice.

You snickered and said, “Yeah, that’s about what I expected. Try and keep it PG-13… OK?”

* * *

“Talk to me, Y/N, I’m goin’ crazy with boredom,” he not quite but almost whined a few nights later.

“Mr. Russo, I have a lot of papers to grade.”

“Well I’m not paying you to grade papers.”

“You’re not paying me at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure my job description specifically excludes talking to you.”

“Still.”

You sighed and said, “I guess I can take a quick break. What do you want to talk about?”

“I dunno. Just bored.”

“How long were you in the service?”

“I joined the Marines when I graduated high school and served twelve years.”

“That’s a long time. I guess you liked it?”

Billy thought about his answer a moment before he replied, “I fit. It was like that hunger that I had to come out on top when I was a kid in the system, that made me a good Marine.”

“You were in a foster home?”

“Mostly group homes. Modern orphanages, I guess.”

“So, an orphan, huh?”

“That make you wanna comfort me?” he said suggestively.

“Nope, just filling in some blanks. How did you lose your parents?” you asked matter-of-factly.

“I’m glad my life is so interesting, Y/N. I live to entertain you.”

“How kind of you!” you said sarcastically.

“You’re sassy. I like it. How come the big bad guy doesn’t intimidate you?”

“I dunno. Might be the fact that you’re bound to the bed.”

“Turns you on, right?”

“Oh hell yes! I’m so transparent, you can see that my kink is a dude tied to the bed whose head looks like a giant tampon.”

“Ouch,” he said with a quiet laugh. “You never cut me any slack, do you?”

“Nope. You never cut me any. Besides, you’re too much fun to tease,” you said with a grin.

“Then feel free to make it a strip-tease, sweetheart. Then we’d both have fun.”

You covered your mouth to muffle the giggle his comment brought.

“Goddamn, Y/N, you act like a teenager sometimes. How old are you?”

“I’m 28, so you can get that particular fantasy out of your head, you pervert.”

“I thought we established I’m not a pedo?” he said with a little anger coloring his voice.

“Oh,” you said quietly. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

Billy contemplated lying, but he knew you could see him frighteningly accurately. “Yeah, well, I was a good-looking kid, y’know? He said I was pretty.”

You impulsively stood up and went over to perch on the edge of his bed, grasping his hand lightly in yours. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It didn’t go that far, Y/N. I said no and fought so he beat me up and broke my arm. But I learned not to be alone with anyone bigger than me.”

“Sucks that kids have to learn lessons like that.”

“You learn a lot of lessons when you got nobody that gives a shit about you,” he said so quietly you almost missed it. “So what lesson did you learn?”

You looked into his eyes and said, “Nothing like you did.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“My mom was super old when she had me and was raised super strict and religious. I was like 12 when I got my period and hadn’t had my sex talk yet or anything. She told me that only whores had sex before marriage and that was all I needed to know. She’s a hardass, my Mom.”

“But you learned not to trust men, huh?” Billy asked quietly.

You looked at him and said, “Yeah something like that.”

“And she also made sex filthy to you.”

“I think we’ve talked about me long enough, huh?” you said in a chipper voice as you went back to your chair and sat down.

Billy missed your presence immediately, your touch having been the first non-perfunctory one he’d experienced in a while, and the first caring touch he recalled in ages.

“Sex is only filthy if you do it just right, Y/N,” he said in a light-hearted tone, trying to make you laugh again. He loved to make you laugh.

It worked. “Ugh, I have no idea why you can make me laugh about that.”

“Coz I’m a funny guy.”

“That you are, Mr. Russo,” you said with a smile, then continued in a whisper, “Y’know, it’s not that big a deal I guess. But I never told anyone about that before.”

“Guess you found one guy you can trust, huh?” he joked.

“Yeah. I might need to change my major, huh? I am clearly not learning this shit.”

“Ah don’t feel bad, Y/N. I’m just irresistible. Not your fault you’re drawn to my natural wit and charm.”

“Not helping, babe.”

“Pet names? I knew you liked me.”

“Must be all that wit and charm. And the fact that you look like a talking tampon.”

You laughed at his groan, enjoying teasing him a bit too much.

“What happened to your parents?” you asked again, realizing he never answered when you asked him earlier.

“My mother dropped me at a fire station in Albany. No idea who my father was. She probably didn’t, either.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, Y/N.”

“I could’ve left it alone when you didn’t answer before. I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. You didn’t know and since you have a crush on me and all, I know you weren’t trying to hurt me,” he teased.

“You’re too kind, Mr. Russo,” you said with a mock bow in your chair.

“My meth-whore mother and your religious nutbag mother should get together and compare notes. Life is fucking shitty.”

“You found your mother?” you asked, surprised.

Billy didn’t speak for a moment, choosing his words carefully. When he could find no way to cover his mistake, he said, “Yes. It’s complicated and I’d rather not discuss it if you don’t mind.”

“OK,” you answered. “I should probably get back to work now.”

“Yeah, OK,” he said with a sigh.

* * *

You couldn’t focus on your reading the next day. You had caught a nap after you finished your shift with Billy but you were still tired.

That was bad. You shouldn’t be thinking of him as Billy. The patient. That guy, maybe. Mr. Russo. Yeah. One of those. When had he become Billy?

That guy was bad news.

You considered calling your supervisor and saying that this close to finals you just couldn’t handle the extra hours. But you had grown so fond of paying your bills.

He had that voice. And he spoke with a combination of the confidence of a man who was accustomed to taking what he wanted and a boy who had never had what he needed. Since the bruises around his eyes had begun to fade, you could see their chocolate brown color and how they expressed nothing in one moment and everything the next.

Your heart had ached when he said that his mother had dropped him at a fire station in Albany. If he was old enough to remember, then the maternal abandonment would have done great harm to him and his ability to attach to another person. Spending his childhood in the system taught him the rest of the lesson his mother began when she surrendered him.

It’s a hard thing to know that your own mother didn’t want you.

And he got more information out of your talks about you than you intended. You knew you shouldn’t be talking to him, especially sharing anything of a personal nature, but you couldn’t seem to help yourself. He was smart, funny and charming. To a girl who spent most of her time with her nose in a book and her butt in a library, he was positively intriguing. You could totally understand how he had gotten so far in life.

You were a Criminal Justice and Psychology student, for crying out loud! You should be able to look at him and see that he was a charismatic narcissist who used his looks and personality to gain the trust of people to get what he wanted, used them as both a shield and a lure. Now that his looks were presumably ruined, his foundation had been rocked.

But for some reason, you didn’t see that when you looked at Billy Russo. He seemed…lost. Like he had never intended for his life to go as it had, but he’d never had any choices. He had been cornered and he had fought. With his orphanage instinct and military training, what else could he do?

Regardless of the rationale, you needed to quit either the job or the chats. You were getting entirely too chummy with Russo for your peace of mind.

* * *

“Hey, Y/N, how are you today?” Billy said after your co-worker had left for the night.

“Hi. Super super busy tonight.”

“Oh, OK. I’ll just…leave you to your work, then,” he said, and god-damned if you didn’t feel guilty at the note of sadness in his tone.

‘No, Y/N, you need to be strong,’ you told yourself.

You took a stack of papers out of your bag to grade. You avoided looking into Billy’s – the patient’s – eyes, determined to put some emotional distance between yourself and the extremely guilty criminal bound to the bed.

“Did I do something to offend you? I mean, more than usual?” he whispered after you had actually gotten involved in grading and weren’t even actively ignoring him. You realized that it was nearly time for your shift to be over.

You took a deep breath and said, “Mr. Russo, I really shouldn’t be talking to you at all, let alone becoming friendly with you. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, no big deal. I was just bored. Not like we’re friends or anything, right? I’m just a narcissistic sociopath, I don’t deserve friends.”

“Nice manipulation. I’d give it like an 8 out of 10.”

“What could I have done to get a 10?” he asked, pleased that he had gotten you talking.

“You have to learn to play to your audience, which I’d have thought you would be better at, to be honest. To manipulate me specifically, you should have aimed at how you thought I liked you a little and that you wouldn’t bother me anymore.”

“I did think you liked me a little,” he whispered.

“I do,” you whispered back.

“I’m not gonna say I won’t bother you, because I like talking to you too much.”

“Because I’m the only one who will talk to the giant tampon-man.”

Billy chuckled and said, “No, though it helps that you actually talk to me. I think you’re probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. And you’re funny, smart and it does not hurt that you’re beautiful.”

“Oh, ha ha. Now you’re way off track with your manipulation.”

“Not trying to manipulate you, sweetheart. Just telling you why I’ll miss talking to you if you stop. You’re the only good thing in my life.”

You looked into his eyes and saw the truth. Billy genuinely liked you. What could it possibly hurt to chat with him?

Your deliberations we’re interrupted by the change of shift. Both the nurse came in to check Billy’s vitals and the daytime sitter came to relieve you. Saved by the proverbial bell.


	3. Chapter 3

“How come you’re not buried in paperwork or have your nose in a book tonight?” Billy asked you. You had been chatting with him non-stop since you had relieved the previous sitter.

“I have a schedule for my own work and I’m ahead, and I’m caught up on grading. So as a reward I get to talk to my favorite patient all night long,” you said with a smile.

“I’d be flattered if I didn’t know I was your only patient,” he said with a chuckle.

“That’s beside the point. I’m choosing to talk to you rather than read for pleasure, so you better step up your game. I will be grading you on your performance.”

“Sweetheart, if you’re grading me on my performance I’m afraid you’re gonna have to do a lot of the work,” he said, jiggling his tied up hands. “But I’m game if you are.”

“Ugh, Russo, get a different angle, that one is getting old.”

“Fine,” he said with a laugh. “You just get so flustered when I do it that it’s hard to resist.”

“Shut up. Tell me more about you.”

“Which is it, babe? Shut up or talk?”

“I have a book right here…” you threatened half-heartedly.

“Fiiiine, what do you want to know?”

“How did you decide to go into the military?”

“I needed somewhere to go when I aged out of the system. In my neighborhood you wound up with a gun no matter what, I just decided to try and build a future while I toted one.”

“You’re smart,” you observed.

“Thanks,” he said softly. “I feel weird talking this much to a woman.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m not trying to get you into bed.”

“Ha! Coulda fooled me,” you snorted.

“Eh this is just playin’ around.”

“Well, I’m mildly insulted,” you joked. “Here and I thought you wanted to get in my scrubs.”

“Oh, darlin’, don’t get me wrong. I would like nothing better than to spend a week or so between those thighs. I fantasize about how I’d make you moan and beg. But let’s face it, that ain’t happening any time soon.”

“Damn straight! It ain’t happening at all, buddy,” you said emphatically.

“Never say never, Y/N.”

“How about pretty goddamn unlikely? Can I say that?”

“You can say anything you want, sweetheart. We both know you like me.”

“Mm hmm. The only thing stopping me from passionately kissing you is my deep-seated fear of mummies from watching too much Scooby Doo when I was a kid.”

“Well then I look forward to the bandages coming off,” he said with a chuckle. “Actually, no, I don’t at all.”

“Hey,” you said quietly. “You’re strong. You’ll get through it.”

“Be easier with a friend, y’know?”

“I thought you didn’t get to have those anymore?”

“Yeah, right, I forgot,” he mumbled.

“You’ll have to make do with me, huh?” you said softly.

“Could be worse,” he whispered.

* * *

You had a night off and while you appreciated the sleep, you actually found yourself looking forward to seeing Billy. Mr. Russo. That guy. Whatever.

“Hey, Tampon-man, how ya feeling?”

“Well, I was happy to see you, not so much now,” he said in a grumpy voice.

“Whaaat?” you said mischievously.

“Tampon-man? Really?”

“You said you liked my pet names for you?”

“Come to think of it, you do put tampons in your –” he began.

“William Russo!” you interrupted in a hiss. “You will not finish that thought.”

He snickered and said, “Don’t call me that and I won’t finish.”

“Fine. Pervert.”

“Oh hell yes I am.”

* * *

A few nights later you came in and the second shift sitter couldn’t get out of the room fast enough and the room was darker than usual. You set your bag down and turned to the bed and immediately saw that Russo had had his bandages removed, but his face was in shadows. The only thing you could make out on his face was some light reflecting from the whites of his eyes.

“Hey,” you whispered. You knew he had been dreading this day and though you definitely didn’t like him enough to worry about him you felt…compassion for a suffering person.

“Leave me alone, Y/N.”

“Can’t. You’re my job,” you said.

“What, you wanna turn on the lights and get a good look at the jigsaw puzzle I got for a face now?”

“Have you?”

“They held a mirror up, yeah.”

“I don’t need to look at you, I guess. I just prefer to have a face to go with a voice, but I guess you can stay anonymous for now.”

“For now? What you gonna force me at some point?”

“Billy, they’re gonna discharge you to a prison hospital eventually, aren’t they?”

“Yeah. Won’t be long.”

“Gonna miss me?” you said jokingly.

“Ha. Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Aw c’mon, I’m sure there will be somebody there to psychoanalyze you and give you crap.”

“You know what I looked like before?”

“Yeah, looked you up online.”

Billy took a deep breath and said, “Turn on the lights.”

“You sure? Mr. Russo, we don’t have to. I can see your hands well enough, and I can continue to picture you as a talking tampon.”

“Nice. What happened to Billy?”

“Huh?”

“You called me Billy before.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize, I’m sorry.”

“No, I liked it,” he said so softly you barely heard.

“OK, Billy, you don’t have to turn on the lights.”

“Naw. I need to get used to people seeing the freak, right?”

You took a deep breath and flipped on the lights. Billy’s cheeks were a roadmap of intersecting scars. There simply hadn’t been enough skin left to cover the angles of his cheeks. He would be a mass of scars forever.

Through the mess of healing tissue tracked tears. You grabbed a tissue and said, “Can I?”

He nodded and closed his eyes. You gently dabbed his cheeks and eyes, then put your hand against his cheek and said, “Billy, you have scars.”

Billy’s eyes flew open and he laughed a bit in surprise, then hushed as you both looked over to the doorway. Luckily there was activity in the hallway that covered the noise.

“I knew about the scars, believe it or not, Y/N.”

Your hand was still against his cheek and you said, “They don’t define you, any more than being handsome did. Your looks were a tool. I don’t see why they still can’t be.”

“How’d ya like to wake up next to this every morning, huh?” he said bitterly.

You removed your hand from his cheek and said, “Billy, believe it or not, people who care about each other don’t really see surface stuff.”

“Right,” he said, tone of voice conveying what utter bullshit he thought your statement was.

“So you’re saying you’d rather be with a beautiful woman who didn’t love you than a plain woman who loved you no matter what?”

“Love isn’t real, Y/N.”

“I think it is. And I wouldn’t wanna be with a guy who only wanted me for my looks. Coz as you may have noticed, looks can change.”

“Low blow.”

“Truth.”

“You’d rather be with a guy who looks like me now than how I looked before if he loved you?”

“Every day of the week and twice on Sunday.”

“That’s fuckin’ crazy, Y/N.”

“Billy, didn’t anyone ever care about you for anything beyond how you looked or what you could do for them?”

His eyes were haunted as he looked at you, tears welling again as he said, “Yeah. Yeah, but they’re dead.”

“Do you think they’d care what you looked like now?”

“No. But they’re all gone.”

“Well. I’m here and I don’t care what you look like.”

“Coz I’m a narcissistic sociopath?”

“Yeah. Takes one to know one, y’know?”

“Ooooooooh do I get to psychoanalyze you now?”

“Shut up!” you said with a small huff of laughter.

“You like to make rules but you don’t wanna have to play by them.”

“Isn’t that everyone?”

“You can twist things around until they work in your favor.”

“I do enjoy winning an argument.”

“You want to fall in love but you don’t trust anyone because of your mother, but I’m also guessing your father was abusive. Probably to your mother.”

“And we’re done.”

“Back to likes making the rules.”

You decided to change the subject. “So, Hannibal, other than the big reveal, anything exciting happen today? Pretend to be veggie all day or are you talking yet?”

Billy decided to go with it. “I moved on to ‘responding to verbal commands’ today. And this huge male nurse pulled my catheter while a cop had a gun on me, so that was fun.”

“Wait wait wait.”

“What?”

“Do you mean to tell me you were bluffing those times when you told me to climb on?” you said with exaggerated offense.

Billy started to laugh out loud but caught himself before he made too much noise. “I gotta hand it to ya, Y/N, I didn’t expect to be this OK here tonight. Why you bein’ so nice to me, huh? You really must have a crush on me, huh?”

“Yup, that’s it. But only while you had a catheter. You lost all your sex appeal when you stopped peeing in a bag.”

Billy smiled and said, “All right, don’t tell me. Guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, huh?”

“Can I ask you something?” you said.

“Since when do you ask?”

“I’m trying out this politeness thing I heard about. If it works out maybe you can give it a shot.”

“Yeah OK, go ahead. Ball buster.”

“Ha. You wish I’d touch your balls for any reason.”

“Damn right I do,” he said, looking you right in the eye.

“Huh?”

“I’d make you come so many times you’d beg me to stop. But I wouldn’t. I’d keep fucking you and eating your pussy until you fucking passed out.”

“Billy,” you whispered, shocked. And aroused? Jesus, were you a murder groupie?

“What?” he whispered back.

“I need to study,” you said, moving away from his bed so that you couldn’t talk quietly.

“Coward.”

You ignored him as he tried to get your attention without gaining the attention of the guards.

He was not giving up this time, though. “What?!” you finally hissed at him.

He made the universal head tilt that meant ‘come here.’

You got up and went over to him, not getting as close as before. “What?”

“You were gonna ask me something before I got – ah – carried away.”

“Carried away, my ass,” you grumbled.

“Don’t let’s get started on your ass, sweetheart,” he said with a slight grin.

“Are you incapable of filtering yourself or is this all for me?”

“I think it’s all for you. Got something else for ya, too.”

“What the fuck, Russo? Why you goin’ so hard tonight?”

“I dunno, maybe because I can get hard without the catheter making my dick feel like it was having a nail jammed in it.”

You glanced down at his lap before you could stop yourself. Lo and behold, there was a tent in the sheet covering his lap. Your eyes grew wide and you looked up at him, knowing he saw you.

“Still welcome to hop on, Princess. Give a soldier a nice memory.”

“Before he goes off to prison? No thanks. I haven’t stooped to writing love letters to inmates yet.”

“Offer’s open if you change your mind.”

“Thank you. I promise to keep you posted if I do,” you answered, words dripping with sarcasm.

“All I can ask. But a handy or head would be fine, too.”

“Seriously, how much morphine have you had?”

“Sweetheart I’ve been checking out your ass since I woke up enough to see straight.”

“Y’know what?” you said, then turned and grabbed your phone and bag and left the room.

“Hey, you mind if I take a quick break?” you said brightly to one of the officers standing guard.

“Yeah, go ahead, I’ll keep an eye on him,” he said.

“Thanks,” you said with a smile, then turned and walked to the stairs.

* * *

You practically ran down the three flights of stairs to a side entrance that smokers used to get some fresh air. Luckily nobody was about and you could just pace and think.

And then it hit you: he was pushing you away. You sighed with relief, realizing that while he wouldn’t kick you out of the bed he was currently bound to, he was just being a dick so that the compassion you showed him went away and he wouldn’t have to deal with the feelings you had created earlier. He had no idea how to accept or express caring except in the form of sex. He was utterly emotionally handicapped.

You looked at your watch and realized that you should head back. You were hopeful that he would be asleep when you got back.

* * *

No such luck, and you heard the cop laughing when you got back to his room. Billy was looking down and every muscle in his body was tensed. Whatever had amused the cop had been at Billy’s expense.

“Thanks, I got him,” you said to the officer, trying to shuffle him along.

“Yeah,” he said, heading to the door. “Russo giving you any trouble in here?”

“No, not a bit,” you said.

“You let me know if he does.”

“Will do, officer,” you said with a cheery smile.

You walked over next to the bed and Billy looked the other way. You impulsively stroked his hair and said quietly, “Hey, you OK?”

“I thought you were pissed at me?” he answered after a moment.

“I was for a bit, but then I realized that you were being a pervert because you don’t know how to accept kindness or affection from a woman except by trying to screw her.”

“Ha. I should have known you were psychoanalyzing me again.”

You realized you were still stroking his hair and pulled your hand down.

“I wish I had met you before I fucked my life up so bad,” he whispered, looking up into your eyes.

You laughed and said, “You wouldn’t have looked twice at me. But if you did you would have just gotten me into bed and kicked me to the curb.”

“No question I would have been able to get you into bed, huh?” he said smugly.

“Not even one, Billy,” you said, then leaned forward and kissed the top of his head. “You’d be able to now, why not then?”

“That’s not funny, Y/N.”

“Wasn’t meant to be.”

“You’d let me fuck you looking like this?”

“I told you, looks aren’t that important to me. You’re tall and strong and you have gorgeous eyes and I bet you know what to do. And I like you, when I don’t think of what you’ve done. You’re smart and funny. I just think that since the one person who should have loved you more than anything didn’t…you don’t know how to love, Billy.”

Billy was silent, staring into your face looking at you like you were some alien.

Embarrassed, you turned away from his bed and went back to your chair, picking up a book and holding in front of your face self-consciously. You always spoke your mind. Could you never keep your giant mouth shut?

“I wish I could just die.”

You lowered your book to say, “I know, sweetie. I’d be sad though.”

“For losing the extra paycheck?” he joked.

“Yup. Why else? Can’t be that I’d miss your perveted ass.”

“You love my perverted ass.”

“Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are?”

“Yes I have,” he said softly. “How about you?”

“Twice.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You got up and walked over to stand by the bed again, reaching out to hold his hand. He pulled at you, his bound hand not being able to get much leverage but you allowed it to happen. You sat down on his bed and leaned forward, gently kissing him.

When Billy lightly bit your lower lip to gain access with his tongue, you jolted up.

“Holy shit,” you breathed as you jumped to your feet. “What the fuck am I doing?”

He held on to your hand and said, “Please. Just stay here. I won’t touch you,” he said, letting go. “I just want to be close to you right now. Please.”

“Me or anyone?”

“You.”

You sat back down next to him on the bed, hips touching and your head laid back on his shoulder while he kissed your hair and nuzzled your neck, until finally you turned your head and captured his lips in a searing kiss, his hand caressing whatever part of you he could reach. His hand gripped your hip and you moaned into his mouth.

“Y/N, fuck, go sit down,” he panted. “Getting caught like this will get you more than fired.”

You went back to your chair while you both got your breathing and bodies under control.

“Would you change anything if you could?” you asked Billy after you had been quiet for a bit.

“Fuck, yes,” he whispered.

“What would you do differently?” you said, moving back over to perch on the bed and reaching over to hold his hand.

“I would have told Rawlins to go fuck himself.”

“Superior officer?”

“Yeah. CIA guy. He was the one who turned us into hitmen. Prick dangled everything I never had in front of me and I was so fuckin’ stupid I took the bait. He had me and he knew it.”

“Why didn’t you stop them from killing your friend’s family?”

“Because they would have just killed me, too.”

You didn’t say anything for a while.

“I guess you think I should have died with them, huh?”

“Why do you say that?”

“You haven’t been this quiet…ever. And you always have an opinion.”

“I was actually thinking that if you removed emotion from the equation it was the most sensible thing to do. Then I wondered if I could really let a couple kids get killed. Why did they need to kill the kids?”

“I don’t know. I just know that I put myself before kids and friends that treated me like family. They called me Uncle Billy. Still think it was sensible? Still wanna kiss me?”

“I think I have a synapse or two that isn’t firing right coz yeah, I still want to kiss you. Maybe you should be scared of me, huh?” you said as you leaned forward and pecked his lips.

“Babe,” he said with his eyes closed, savoring the short kiss and squeezing your hand, “I am terrified of you.”

“Excellent,” you said with a smartass grin. “I like a man who’s smart enough to know to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Y/N,” he said with a serious expression. “I’m afraid to lose you. And I know that I have to at some point.”

“Says who? I decide when you lose me. Unless you don’t want me, then I’ll go.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Smut Ahoy!**

* * *

“Hi, Billy,” you said as you arrived for your shift the next night.

“Hey,” he rasped quietly.

You sat your bag down and walked over to the bed, leaned over and kissed his forehead. “How was your day?”

Billy closed his eyes for a moment to savor the sweetness of your kiss, however brief and high on his face it was. “My doctor said I was strong enough for questioning so I had HSA agents up my ass all day.”

“I mean…are you into that sort of thing?” you said with a grin.

“I’d let you do whatever you wanted, sweetheart,” he said with a cocky grin.

“Can’t say I’d wanna play with the back when the front is so much more interesting.”

Billy grinned and said, “They let me have a shower today so that was good.”

“I thought I smelled a difference.”

“Nice. Now I don’t feel bad at all about fantasizing about you while I jerked off.”

“I’d be sad if you didn’t,” you said with a wink.

“Christ, now I need to again,” he said as he leaned his head back against his pillows and closed his eyes.

With his eyes closed and his head thrown back, his neck was temptingly exposed and you swooped in and kissed it, running your hands down his chest.

“Fuck, Y/N, are you sure you aren’t a cop? Coz you could ask me fucking anything right now and I’d tell you so you’d keep doing that.”

“Ugh,” you said, moving away from Billy to your usual seat. “I am so pissed at you.”

“Um, what?”

“You! You asshole.”

“What the fuck did I do? I’m just laying here while you use my body. Which is fine, by the way.”

“What did you do? What did you do?” you hissed angrily and completely irrationally.

“Yes. What did I do?”

“You come into my life after you kill everyone you ever met. Why? Why did I find you at the only time you would notice me but it just happens to be before you get tried on about four zillion counts of just everything. Murder, drug trafficking, weapons trafficking, JFK’S assassination, Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance, Donald Trump’s speech writing, speeding tickets. Jesus Billy, be that guy. That guy’s a fucker, I wouldn’t like him.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he replied caustically. “He’s still here. I’ll make sure that other guy gets shoved way down inside me. You just go read your books and write your case study.”

“You are not my case study, William Russo, but if you were I could write a goddamn book, not just a paper!”

“Fuck off.”

“My hands are free,” you said, wiggling your fingers for effect. “I can if I want to!”

Billy didn’t respond, but you could hear his teeth grinding.

You started muttering under your breath, “Stupid, selfish fucking bitch.”

“I can hear you!” Billy hissed across the room. “I am not a bitch.”

“I was talking about me,” you hissed back.

“Oh. You’re not stupid. Or selfish.”

“Ha ha.”

You tried to focus on your reading but your mind kept drifting to the man across the room.

“Did you have a lawyer when they questioned you?”

“No.”

“Billy, why not?” you said disapprovingly.

“I can’t talk.”

“Oh, so you stonewalled them?”

“Yeah.”

“What are they charging you with?”

“JFK, Trump’s speech writing…”

You went back over to his bed and sat down, taking his hand. “Did they Mirandize you?”

“Yes.”

“Did they tell you the charges?”

“Yeah. They aren’t charging me with everything they could. They don’t want to drag out the dirty laundry the other people I ruined my life with had,” he said bitterly.

“So they’re gonna offer you a deal. And it’s Federal so all they’re gonna do is take the death penalty off the table, right?” you asked, thumb absently stroking the back of his hand.

“So far,” he said. “They’re hot for me though. They’d try me for the other stuff if these charges don’t stick.”

“You need a lawyer, Billy.”

“I suppose. They took my emergency funds when they arrested me.”

“Don’t try and tell me that a smart guy like you doesn’t have a rainy day fund?”

“Yes I do.”

“So get a lawyer, dumbass.”

“Y/N, my hands are literally tied.”

“I know that, Billy, and it’s very sexy, but that’s not the point. You need a lawyer.”

Billy laughed and leaned forward and kissed you, hard. “I’m sorry we met like this. I would have noticed you. I can’t promise I would have treated you like I want to now, but I would have noticed you.”

“You need to beat this, William.”

“You know what I did. I never lied to you. Why the fuck do you want me to get off?”

“So I can teach you how it feels to be cared about for more than how you look or what you can do for someone,” you whispered, leaning forward to rest your forehead against his.

“I think I already know how that feels. I just don’t understand why? Danger? Forbidden fruit?”

“I can’t just…like you? For you?”

“Well you keep talking about how fucked up I am for the shit that happened to me and the choices I made. But what’s wrong with you that you can like someone who did the things I’ve done, huh?”

“Hmmm. An interesting question. Your thoughts?”

“Socratic method, huh? OK, I’ll bite. Let’s start with your Dad.”

You laughed. “I don’t like you because of Daddy issues, babe. I thought guys could spot those a mile away. Easy pickins and all.”

“Someone hurt you. No way you hold my bound hand if someone hadn’t hurt you.”

“Everybody has been hurt, Billy. But not as bad as you.”

“Oh so it’s pity. That’s a new one.”

“Ok, I have pity for the childhood you had. Children should be cherished. No kid should be made to feel unwanted. But I don’t like you because you had a bad time growing up. That would mean that I’d kiss any kid that came out of the foster system. I like you, William. And if you don’t like me that’s fine. But don’t try and make what I feel for you cheap by claiming that it’s reacting to or rebelling against someone who hurt me.” You started to pull your hand from his to get up but he held on to it.

“You have a temper, don’t you? I like every little thing about you, but I love that fire. I imagine how you’d be in bed but I mostly wonder how you’d be at times like when I don’t pick up my shit or forget our anniversary,” he said with a laugh.

“You…think about us having an anniversary?” you asked, astonished.

Billy got a deer-in-headlights look and started stammering a bit before you swooped in and kissed him to shut him up.

“You need a lawyer, William,” you said against his lips.

“OK,” he breathed back.

“Coz I have been fantasizing about what you could do with your hands if they were free.”

“Oh you have?”

“Mm hmm. I’ve also been wondering how squeaky this bed would be if I climbed on,” you whispered in his ear, rubbing your breasts against his chest.

“Probably not squeaky at all. You should definitely try it.”

“But then I think that I can’t take a chance at getting fired. I would miss you too much.”

“Also true. Fuck. Go back to your chair,” he groaned before stealing one more kiss.

“Really?” you asked, shocked.

“Yeah, why do you sound so surprised?”

“I dunno, I just thought you’d choose fucking me over keeping me,” you said, rubbing his chest.

“I’d rather have both.”

“Me, too.”

“But if I can’t, then I want to keep you with me as long as possible. If that means not knowing how it feels to slide my hard cock into your wet pussy and suck on your –”

You cut Billy off with another kiss and slid your hand under his sheet and then up his thigh.

He groaned and said, “Babe, we could get caught so easy.”

You pulled the sheet back and exposed his erection. He was long and thick and dripping. You looked at him as you slid your hand up and down a few times with the moisture from his precum before you leaned forward and licked the head of his cock, feeling his entire body tense up in his efforts not to groan aloud. You bobbed your head down and then popped off and said, “Quick and dirty OK?”

Billy nodded vigorously as you went back to sucking his dick, stroking his shaft with one hand and caressing his balls with the other while you sucked and twirled your tongue against the head of his cock. At his whispered, “Gonna come,” you sealed your lips around his cock and hollowed your cheeks sucking while you stroked him rapidly, rewarded soon with his essence on your tongue.

When he finished spasming and shivering, you covered him up, looking toward the door. When no one stirred at the entrance, you leaned up and kissed Billy, who was still panting from his effort not to make noise while you pleasured him.

You stepped into his bathroom and got a wet washcloth, going back and gently wiping his face of sweat before moving the sheet and cleaning him off quickly. Then you kissed him again and took the washcloth to the bathroom and came back to dig a piece of gum out of your bag.

Billy had the dumbest look on his face during the entire clean-up process that you had to laugh at him quietly. “Like you’ve never gotten head before, William.”

“You didn’t get anything from that.”

“Wrong.”

“How am I wrong?”

“Did it make you happy?”

“I’m fucking ecstatic.”

“Then that’s what I got. I made you happy. That makes me happy.”

“I don’t understand you at all. But then again the last woman I had sex with was using me to get information on Frank, so…”

“Who was that?”

“The HSA agent that took me down.”

“Perfect,” you muttered.

“So. Do you still want the other guy to come back?” he asked quietly.

“Who’s the real Billy?”

“I honest to Christ don’t know right now, Y/N.”

“Then let’s see how it goes. I like this William.”

“Then that’s the William I wanna be.”

* * *

You had learned the nurses schedules by heart. You made sure you were across the room with a book in your lap when they came to check on Billy and you discovered that if he called the nurse they would take him to the bathroom with the guard and then check his vitals at the same time, so that narrowed the possibility of being caught holding hands – or doing naughty stuff.

A few nights passed and you came to work to find Billy particularly tense. After you’d had an update from the second shift sitter, you went over and kissed Billy. You didn’t even pretend that you weren’t in it with him at this point. “Hey,” you greeted him softly, stroking his hair and his cheek. He didn’t speak and barely returned your kiss.

“Babe?” you said, becoming worried.

“They’re transferring me tomorrow,” he said quietly.

You slid your arms around his neck, pulling him to your chest and stroking his hair while you kissed his head over and over. Tears streaked across your cheeks but you surreptitiously wiped them away before you leaned back. “Well, you won’t have to be restrained 24/7, right? That will be an improvement.”

“Babe, don’t. I’d rather be tied down than never see you again.”

“Who told you?”

“Madani. She delivered the news personally,” he said bitterly.

“Ah.”

“Jesus are you jealous? She fucking despises me, sweetheart. Trust me.”

You laughed a bit, caressed his cheek and said, “Billy, you chose to be with her, back when you had choices. Of course I’m jealous.”

“You shouldn’t be. Hell, you shouldn’t care about me at all, let alone be jealous of an ex.”

“An ex you probably had the opportunity to get rid of, yet you didn’t, knowing how bad she wanted to take you down, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I had a perfect shot,” he said, recalling the prisoner exchange where he had had Madani in his sights.

“Then why didn’t you take it?”

“She wasn’t the mission.”

“Well that’s maybe something to consider in the future, on-the-spot updates to missions,” you said sarcastically. “Coz you are absolutely her mission.”

“Still. She’s in the past. And like I said, she hates me as much as I hate her.”

“Yeah, but do you?”

“What do you mean? Of course I do.”

“She’s still alive to pin everything that happened on you. That’s some bullshit, Billy.”

“You’re jealous because I didn’t kill her?” he asked, shocked at your bloodthirsty attitude.

“No, I’m upset because you’re getting thrown under the bus for everything that happened,’ you explained. “I’m jealous because she got to go out with you and I dunno maybe have dinner with you. She got to have uninhibited and uninterrupted sex with the man I –”

You stopped yourself and stepped away from the bed. Billy obviously couldn’t do anything to stop you, but he said, “The man you what?”

“The man I certainly hope has asked for a lawyer by now,” you dodged.

“Yeah, I asked for one today,” he said quietly, not pressing you for an answer.

“Good.”

You went and sat down and took out some papers to grade. You needed to focus on something other than Billy leaving or you would completely lose it.

Billy could see how hard you were struggling to keep it together for him. For about the millionth time he wondered what he did to deserve someone like you caring for him. He knew he had done a lot of terrible things, like he hadn’t been born with a moral compass. 

Yet he could trace it all to one choice. When Rawlins had played to his ego and gotten him involved in the drugs. After that, he’d had Billy by the short and curlies. No matter what he did, he knew Billy would clean it up because he had no choice.

William Russo had already used his choice.

He looked over at you and knew what he had to do. You had placed all your eggs in the lawyer basket, but what you didn’t know was that even if he did miraculously get acquitted, Frank was still out there and he would be waiting. No way was he going to let Billy settle down with a sweet girl like you and live happily ever after. He blamed Billy for the loss of his own happily ever after. He wasn’t going to allow him to have one.

“So, yeah,” he began, dreading the words he was about to say, “it was great spending time with you. Thanks for the head and such.”

Your head shot up, an expression of shock and hurt on your face.

Billy winced internally, but his mangled face showed no emotion. For once in his life he was going to put someone before himself; he would make you hate him so you wouldn’t love him.

“Th-thanks for…the head?” you asked, stunned.

“Yeah, it was great. You looked real good with my cock in your mouth.”

“I looked good?” you whispered dumbly, tears welling in your eyes. You didn’t seem to be able to access original words, only repeat the hateful sounds that Billy was making.

“Wouldn’t mind one for the road, actually.”

Your eyes flew open wide and the tears flowed down your cheeks, a sob escaping like a gasp. Biting your lip against allowing any more sobs to escape, you swallowed back your tears and stood, packed your things in your bag to leave.

“What, where you going? I was kinda hoping to actually fuck you instead of just cumming in your mouth.”

“Bye,” you said as you turned and walked out the door.

Stopping to wipe your eyes, you told the cop that you’d had a family emergency and you needed to leave. Your red eyes and sniffles convinced him that you were telling the truth.

You walked away, thinking back on the choice that had brought you here and regretting it with your whole heart.


	5. Chapter 5

You cried a lot that night, then you fell asleep from grief and exhaustion.

When you woke up, you replayed the scene with Billy in your head. Over and over. And over. And you realized something, or at least suspected it: Billy had deliberately been horrible to drive you away. His words had been tailored to hurt you, and they had hit their mark. Not because he didn’t want you, but because he didn’t want you to want him.

Billy cared about you. He’d said he’d rather be tied down than never see you again. You were so stupid and exhausted that you just reacted to his words which had been deliberately chosen to make you leave.

And you had no way to communicate with him to tell him he picked a helluva time to be noble.

* * *

“Y/N?” you heard your roommate call from the living room.

“What,” you called lethargically.

“Get your ass out here!”

You lifted your head at that. Mark was not generally an excitable person. You rolled out of bed and trudged to the living room, not even looking at him as he bounced in his seat and babbled about the news.

You wandered into the kitchen and were grateful for the coffee that awaited you. Filling a cup and taking it black and bitter like your heart, you went back to see what had gotten your roommate into a tizzy.

“Y/N, are you even listening to me? That guy Russo, isn’t that who you were babysitting?”

“What? Yeah, Russo, why?” you asked, suddenly very interested.

“Girl, he escaped while they were transferring him to prison!”

“WHAT?” you practically screamed. You plopped down next to him on he sofa and watched the news until they brought up the story again.

“Shit,” you said silently, wondering where he was and if he was OK. They said he might be injured. You said a silent prayer that he was safe. He might be a murderous sociopath, but he was your murderous sociopath.

Would he try to contact you? Shit, would agents come knocking at your door? You should probably plan on agents at the door.

Mark was thinking the same thing. “Bet they question you.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“Yeah, here and there. Nothing big. I sure as hell don’t have any idea where he is.” Sadly, that was the truth. And after the lengths he went to to try and hurt you enough to hate him, you doubted you would ever know.

You were right about agents showing up, though they were waiting for you outside a class you were teaching that day. It was fairly cursory. They seemed to believe Billy’s ruse of being unable to speak for the majority of his time in the hospital, so they simply asked you a few questions about his whereabouts. You were able to answer honestly that you had no idea where he was.

Billy was the top story for a few days, but with no sightings and no word, his story fell from the headlines and became yesterday’s news. You wondered where he was, if he was warm, if he was safe. Part of you hoped he was on the other side of the world with a tropical drink in his hand. The other part wanted him to let you know that he was all right, but you knew he wouldn’t. He had gone to the trouble of pushing you away, he wasn’t going to contact you now.

And so you went back to your life. You taught, you graded, you read, you wrote, you ate, you slept, rinse, repeat.

* * *

A few days later, you were reviewing a class of bored undergrads on the fundamentals of criminal justice before their final the following week. You tried to change up your rhythm and tone of voice so you didn’t lull them to sleep and you would throw a tidbit like a penchant for women’s panties into a list occasionally to try and wake the students. Review was no fun for the students and it was beyond tedious for you, but your supervising faculty had it on the syllabus so you did it.

When you had about fifteen minutes of class time left, the door at the back of the room opened and two crabby people in suits entered. You recognized them immediately as agents, and one as Agent Madani, Billy’s ex. Yay.

You continued your lecture and reminded the students of the scheduled time for their finals as well as your office hours before time was up. A few students had questions as the rest shuffled out, but soon you were left alone with the agents.

“Hello, how can I help you?” you asked as the agents moved to the front of the room.

“We have a few more questions about your association with William Russo,” Agent Not-Madani said as they both showed her their badges.

“Yeah, I’ve been following that in the news. Weird to know that he’s free. He seemed pretty weak and depressed at the hospital. Except the last night, I guess.”

“That’s what we wanted to ask you about, actually,” Madani said. “You left early that night.”

“I did.”

“You told the officer guarding Russo’s room that you’d had a family emergency. But we checked your phone records and you didn’t have any incoming calls or texts. So how did you receive this news?”

“I didn’t, actually.”

“Then why did you leave? The officer said you were distraught,” Madani asked, a bit terse.

You sighed, as if you were embarrassed. “OK, I left because Russo…was mean. Apparently when he decided to talk he wanted to get his shitty attitude on. He told me I was just a loser who sat on my ass and watched him and if they paid me minimum wage it was too much. He threw in a few other insults and mentioned that he was being transferred so I knew my job was over for the time being so I played hooky to get away from the douchebag.”

“You told the officer you’d had an emergency. Why did you lie?” asked the other agent.

“Because even though that little ray of sunshine was getting discharged, I need the job when another patient comes along. I worried that the officer would say the big bad man who was tied to the bed hurt my feelings and made me cry. I was exhausted from picking up extra shifts and trying to keep up with school. So I said I’d had an emergency so my supervisor wouldn’t think I couldn’t handle the job because of one foul-mouthed jackass.”

The agent accompanying Madani smirked but she was evaluating every nuance of every word of your story.

“So you haven’t had any contact with Russo since he escaped from Federal custody?” she asked you, careful to emphasize ‘Federal’ in an attempt to rattle you.

“I haven’t had nor do I see any reason to expect to have any contact with Russo. He was an absolute prick to me the night I left early.”

“Thank you. Here’s my card. Please contact us immediately if he does get in touch.”

“Of course,” you murmured, taking your phone out to snap a shot of the card to add Madani to your contacts, trying to give the impression that you would be eager for their company if he should pop up.

* * *

Billy felt like a stalker. He kinda was, he guessed. He had followed you to school and back home a few times. He had seen your roommate leave with a bag packed for a trip and why hadn’t you mentioned you lived with a guy?

He had been to a safe house he had kept in a shitty neighborhood. He had a go bag there with a couple changes of clothes, new identities, weapons and cash. He had always worried that the CIA would burn him at some point. He wasn’t a trusting soul, and with good reason.

He should be halfway around the world by now. He should walk away from you. He knew he should, but goddamn it, you were the only person in the world who he thought might care if he lived or died. He…needed you? That was fucking terrifying.

He had to see you at least once before he left. He knew how badly he had hurt you. He had to explain. Even if he couldn’t have you, he couldn’t stand knowing he had caused you pain without trying to make it right.

He needed you not to hate him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Smut Ahoy!**

* * *

The next few days were filled up with finals, both taking and proctoring. The next days after that were marathon grading. Mark had gone home to St. Louis for the holidays and you had the apartment to yourself until the second week of January. Your inner party girl having the freedom to do anything meant that you were gonna walk around the apartment in your underwear. You definitely knew how to have a good time.

The day you took your second final, administered two of your own and then proctored two for another prof who suckered you into doing his work for him so he could leave for home a day early, you were exhausted.

You went into your apartment and kicked off your sensible-heeled boots and went to your bedroom to slip out of your skirt and blouse and into some sweats. You unzipped your skirt and wiggled your hips to get it to slide off while you unbuttoned your blouse, then bent over to pull off your tights.

“Goddamn baby girl, your ass looks even finer in panties than in scrubs.”

You screamed in fright and turned around, holding your blouse closed in front of you until it registered that it was Billy in front of you. Then you ran to him and threw your arms around his neck, kissing him where ever your mouth met skin. He captured your face in his hands and kissed you hungrily.

“Oh my God, baby are you OK? I was so worried about you!” you exclaimed between kisses.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Y/N,” he said breathlessly. “I didn’t want you to be stuck with me or have you visit me in prison. I couldn’t stand that.”

“I know, I figured it out the next morning. You shouldn’t be here, they’ve questioned me twice.”

You didn’t indicate with your actions that he shouldn’t be there. You were trying to get him at least as unclothed as you were.

“Getting mixed signals, babe. Should I leave or are you unzipping my pants?” he said with a laugh.

“Just get naked, Billy. You promised to make me come so much I’d pass out. Put up or shut up, Russo.”

“Happy to,” he said, pulling his shirt off over his head as you began caressing and kissing his chest. He reached around you to unsnap your bra, his hands touching you as he had fantasized so many times while he was bound. He ran his hands through your hair, down your back, over your ass, around to your stomach and under the cups of your bra to squeeze your breasts, loving how they filled his hands perfectly. His mouth was equally busy, covering you with hot kisses and love bites.

You were his.

You had pushed him over to the bed and onto it, kneeling before him to help him off with his boots and pants. After you had him naked, you ran your hands up the front of his legs, kissing along the way. You were so happy to have him with you, to be able to touch him as much as you wanted.

When you reached his hard length and started to lick, he pulled you up and said, “No, sweetheart, it’s my turn.”

He kissed you deeply as he turned you to lay on your back on the bed, his hands memorizing your body. He had pictured what it would be like to touch you like this so many times while he was in the hospital, but his imagination was so very lacking compared to the reality. Your skin was softer, your smell was nicer, your taste was sweeter.

By the time he reached your center, he had you in a frenzy of need. He poured all the times you had made him feel special, cared for – human – into his lovemaking, teasing and tasting you with his tongue while he stroked and stretched you with his fingers. He backed off when he felt you draw close to your high a few times until you begged him to let you come. When he nibbled on your clit and allowed you to orgasm, you actually blacked out for a few seconds.

When you came to yourself, still panting from the intensity of the climax, Billy was still licking your pussy, making satisfied sounds against you, the vibrations of his voice sending shock waves of pleasure throughout your body.

“Billy,” you moaned. “Baby, want your cock, need you to fill me.”

Billy groaned and kissed his way up your body, stopping to worship your breasts. He knew their fullness but had never been able to truly enjoy them as he’d wished; teeth and tongue and fingers and hands. He sucked one nipple into his mouth while he fondled and pulled the other, then switched.

He then kissed his way up your collarbones and to your neck, knowing the spots there, at least, that made you shiver. He growled into your ear as he felt your nails rake down his back, felt you knead the muscles there and then grab his ass as if to pull him into you.

You were senseless by the time he reached your mouth, plunging his tongue into your mouth to dance with yours, relishing your taste and the feel of rightness in being so close to you.

He whispered into your ear, “How much do you want me, sweetheart?”

“William, I want you more than anything or anyone ever. I need you,” you gasped.

Billy groaned, both at hearing you say the word ‘need’ in an almost breathless voice and at your use of his full name. You were the only one who ever called him William and it made him feel like he belonged to you as much as he wanted you to belong to him.

He positioned his cock at your dripping entrance, rubbing it up and down a few times and relishing the delicious and desperate sounds you made as you tried to pull him closer with your arms and legs.

“Please, William,” you cried.

This broke his resolve to hold out a while longer. He could no longer wait to feel you wrapped around him. He pushed into you slowly, both to give you time to adjust to him and to draw out both of your pleasure, groaning loudly at the delicious warmth surrounding him.

You bit his neck and licked the spot, ardor making you rough. Billy didn’t seem to mind, leaving marks on you as well. When he was finally fully sheathed in you, you nearly cried from the joy of completion. You wrapped yourself around him, arms and legs pulling him close and exploring his body.

When he started to move within you, you started calling his name, “William, baby. Oh God, Billy yes, fuck me!”

He was kissing you and growling your name, “Fuck, Y/N, so good sweetheart. So fuckin’ perfect baby girl.”

“Harder, love, yes THERE!” you yelled, flexing your inner muscles around his cock as you met his thrusts with your hips.

“Jesus baby girl, fuck you’re so beautiful, need you to come for me baby, come all over my cock,” he said loudly, his voice deep with desire.

His words ignited you and you felt yourself begin the tightening that indicated your orgasm was imminent. “Yes, William, baby, gonna come so hard baby FUCK,” you screamed as you came apart. “I love you so much, baby.”

Billy felt you tighten around him, muscles squeezing his cock and pushing him over the edge. Growling with his thrusts, Billy pounded his hips into you as he spilled his passion deep inside you.

Billy had his head resting on your shoulder, kissing your neck every few seconds as if he couldn’t help but show you affection. You stroked his back and hair gently, still holding him close with your legs.

Billy had never been with a woman who responded so wildly or genuinely to his lovemaking. When he compared you to the last woman he’d been with, he realized that there was no comparison; your response to his every touch served to drive his passion beyond anything he had ever felt. This was no small thing –Billy had been with a lot of women. A lot. Way more than he would ever admit to you.

He was also thinking about you saying you loved him when you came. Did you mean it? Or was it just orgasm gibberish? He was too afraid to ask.

“I’m probably crushing you,” he said, leaning back and kissing you deeply, then a few times sweetly before he rolled to his back and pulled you close to his side, caressing your back as you both caught your breath. He had never been the one to instigate a cuddle before. It was usually come, kiss, piss, go. Claims of an early or late meeting were always at the ready and he couldn’t wait to get away.

Now he wanted to settle in. He wanted to ask you how long your roommate would be gone. He wanted to snuggle up with you and maybe watch a Christmas movie or whatever couples do. He wanted to be part of a couple with you.

He wanted to ask you to run away with him.

You were snuggled up against Billy’s side, head on his chest, listening to him breathe and his heart beat. You reached for his hand and held it. You kissed his chest and rubbed your toes against his legs. He was with you and you were going to savor every moment.

“Y/N?”

You tilted back to look at him and pecked him on the cheek. “Yes?”

“What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”

“Just…stream of consciousness? I’m thinking that I’m so happy to have you with me, that you are really good at the sex, that I am about ready to climb on you again, how hot your body is, your ass is adorable yet I want to bite it, I love sucking your cock, I spent so much time around you and fantasizing about you with your hands tied that I want to tie you up and fuck you, what are your favorite cookies so that I can bake them for you? What are your favorite foods so I can cook for you? Can you stay a while so I can cook for you? Will you marry me and father my children? Because I love you. Have I mentioned that before? Also I am starving and I want to eat pizza off your stomach which will lead to messy sex. Right now all roads lead to sex because you are the hottest man I have ever seen in my life.”

“You love me? Did you just say that you love me? Babe?”

“All of that and you zero in on that? I said I’m hungry!” you joked, a little nervous at your admission.

“Babe, I don’t think anybody has ever said that to me and meant it, so if you could be serious for a minute…” he said, not meeting your eyes.

“Hey,” you said softly, stroking his cheek then kissing it. “I know you probably think I’m an idiot or some freaky fatal attraction, but Billy, I know what you’ve done, and I know how you got there. I love who you are. The man I love has made a ton of mistakes. But so have I, y’know? Mine were more on the stupid/embarrassing end of the spectrum, but still mistakes.”

“I’m not sure I know how to love you. At least how you deserve to be loved,” he whispered, still not meeting your eyes.

“How do I deserve to be loved?”

Billy looked into your eyes, finally. Leaning forward to kiss you gently, he said, “You deserve to be treated like a princess, worshiped and constantly taken care of, showered with jewelry and flowers and gifts.”

“OK hon, I don’t need all that. I want someone who will be faithful to me and honest and kind and make me laugh and hold my hand. I don’t want to be worshiped or treated like a princess, and I don’t need to be taken care of all the time, and I definitely don’t need stuff. I want to be with someone who lets me take care of him sometimes, too.”

“You want to take care of me?” he whispered. “How?”

“I want to hold you and kiss you and love you and cook with you and wash your back and kiss you and rub your shoulders and fold your laundry and kiss you and feed you and make love to you and listen to you and just show you how wonderful I think you are and kiss you.”

“You really wanna kiss me, huh?”

“I really wanna kiss you,” you said with a smile.

“I honestly don’t understand how you see me as anything more than a monster.”

“I dunno. Because you let me?”

“What?”

“When we started talking, you didn’t have your looks to lure me in. You weren’t trying to seduce me. You were tied to the bed. All of your layers had been peeled away by circumstances. I saw you raw. You let me see you that way. Maybe I should ask why you chose me to talk to out of all your sitters?”

“Ugh fuckin’ Psych major,” he groaned as he dramatically leaned his head back into the pillows.

“So much drama,” you said sarcastically, nibbling on his muscular chest. “You must have had at least six or eight different sitters, right?”

“Yeah, around that.”

“Did you talk to anyone else?”

“No.”

“So why me?”

“You said hello to me every night. Some nights you asked if I was feeling better,” he said quietly.

“Uh huh?” you said, confused.

“Nobody else talked to me except this guy who was only there for one night called me a piece of shit.”

“What?” you asked, shocked and pissed.

“You were the only one who ever treated me like a human, y’know? So when I couldn’t take being quiet anymore, I talked to you.”

“Well, you’re just lucky I’m such a sweetheart. You were a bit of a prick.”

“Sweetheart?” he scoffed with a laugh. “You were a total bitch.”

“I improved.”

“Yes you did,” he said with a smile. “And then when my bandages came off and you told me I had scars…Christ, you took care of me. Why’d you do that, Y/N?”

“I liked you,” you said, as if that was all that needed to be explained.

“Y/N, I was in restraints because I had killed a whole bunch of people.”

“Yes.”

“But you liked me.”

“Yes.”

“Baby girl, do you think you could give me a reason?”

“Because you had lost everything, but you still had the guts to be an asshole. You had four inches of bandages on your face and you still had the guts to be a pervert. I dunno, William, I guess I like a man with balls.”

“You like my balls?” he said with a leer.

“Yes, darling. Figuratively and literally,” you said with a wiggle of your brows. “But you became what they made you, and that prick CIA agent dragged you into the shit with him. Not a lot of people can resist that temptation.”

“I couldn’t.”

“And I guess I can look at it objectively enough to know that they used you, love. They knew that you were hungry from your childhood and they groomed you.”

Billy didn’t say anything for a moment. “Sometimes I hate how clearly you can see me.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“I guess I should be grateful that you see me and still love me.”

“No, you never have to be grateful to me for loving you. Love doesn’t come with a price. If it has a price I don’t think it’s love.”

“And I’m completely speechless again.”

“I never want you to feel obligated to me in any way. Stay with me because you want to. Leave me because you want to. Just be honest.”

“So can I make love to you because I want to?”

“Any time, sweetheart,” you said as he rolled you over and began kissing you.

* * *

“OK I’m officially starving. If we don’t order a pizza I’m going to start eating you and not in any kind of sexy way,” you said after you had caught your breath from another round of amazing sex with multiple orgasms – he was every bit as good as he claimed.

Billy was laying half on top of you, sweaty skin sticking to yours while he kissed your neck and occasionally wiggled his still buried and semi-hard cock inside you, making you gasp and shiver. “I’m pretty comfortable here, babe. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep right here.”

You wrapped your legs back around his waist. “You got another one in you?”

Billy laughed and said, “No, I think I need a few minutes first. And pizza sounds pretty good. But laying on you feels really good. And your pussy around my cock feels great. So you’re going to have to talk up this pizza to get me to move.”

“I agree with everything you said. I will eat later. I like you where you are.”

Billy gave you a smacking smooch and chuckled as he rolled off you. “Come on, you said you’d wash my back.”

“I also said I prefer your front.”

“I’ll let you bite my adorable butt,” he teased.

“You never miss a word I say, do you?”

“Nope.”

“Should make arguments interesting.”

“Are we gonna argue?”

“I hope so.”

Billy laughed and said, “Why would you hope we’d argue?”

You got out of bed and kissed him and said, “Because that will mean we made it out of the honeymoon phase.”

Billy smiled. “Fuckin’ Psych major,” he said while he rubbed his hands over your back and down to your ass.

“Come on, let’s get clean so I can get fed.”

* * *

You ordered pizza as soon as you got out of the shower and then got dressed. Billy seemed to close up a little once you were dressed again.

“You’re quiet,” you said to him, sitting next to him on the sofa and rubbing his thigh.

“Yeah, gathering my thoughts.”

“Oh, ominous.”

“Yeah. We need to talk.”

“If this is another ‘thanks for the head and such’ kinda talk I will beat your ass, William.”

“You think you got the moves to beat my ass, Y/N?” he said with a grin.

“I’ll fight dirty.”

“I think I’ve already seen you get pretty dirty. And I really liked it.”

“Y’know, I probably should learn how to use a gun,” you said speculatively.

“What?” Billy said, surprised. “I thought you were all academic.”

“I need to be able to help keep you safe.”

“That’s what we need to talk about, babe. You know I can’t stay here long, right? I mean, I shouldn’t be here at all.”

You were silent for a while, not meeting his eyes. “I see,” you said, standing to go to the kitchen and busy yourself getting plates and napkins. “I hope soda is OK, I don’t really drink much and Mark didn’t leave any beer.”

“You understand, right?”

There was a knock at the door and you gestured to Billy to go to your bedroom. You answered and paid for the pizza, which smelled heavenly. You brought it to the coffee table in front of the TV and then went and got the sodas and plates.

Billy came out and you handed him a plate and said, “Dig in!” with a big, cheery smile. A big, cheery, fake smile that Billy saw through immediately.

He grabbed your hands and said, “Hey. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

You shook your hands from his grasp. “I understand that you came here to get laid and then ditch me, and that I’m in love with a man who can’t love me back and that’s my own fault. So eat your goddamn pizza and then you can get going.”

“Wait, what?” he said, incredulous. 

“You ‘can’t stay long, shouldn’t have come at all.’ I realize that I am a complete idiot but I kinda thought you coming here meant you cared.”

“I do! I want…,” Billy hesitated, not meeting your eyes. “Fuck. Any other time you can read me like a goddamn open book. I want you to come with me. I understand if you don’t want to because I mean I have to start completely over and I will probably drag you into the shit with me and I shouldn’t want you with me because you’ll see what I can be but I think that I might actually love you and the thought of being alone again after having you in my life –”

You threw yourself at him and kissed him frantically, your tears wetting both of your cheeks.

“Y/N, babe, you will see bad things if you come with me. You could get hurt, you could see me die, you could see me kill. Can you really do that?”

“I mean…I don’t want to see that. But if it’s the difference between never seeing you again, or God forbid, you dying, or me waking up with you every morning – you do what you have to do. I’ll do what I have to. And that might make me a twisted psycho, but I’d let the world burn for you, William. If you’re not in it, what’s the point?”

Billy grinned and said, “How lucky am I to have found the one woman crazy enough to love me?”

“It wasn’t luck. You chose to talk to me. And may I compliment you on an excellent choice, my love?” you said with a teasing smile and a kiss.

“Oh thank you very much,” he said lightly, but then looked down and got a serious look on his face. “I love you, Y/N. I want to be better for you.”

“I love you, too, Billy. And I just want you to be you, and know that you don’t ever have to pretend to be something that you’re not with me.”

Billy kissed you softly. The future was by no means set, and he may have to do some unpleasant things to keep you both safe. But whatever the cost, he had you and he knew it would be worth it to be together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Smut Ahead!**

* * *

Billy awoke with a start, reaching for his gun on the nightstand. His sleeping self recognized that something was wrong, but his awake self took a moment to realize that you were gone. He had been staying here at your apartment for a few days now and while his instincts were on high alert, his rational self had never had someone else that he included in his safety equation.

He lay still for a moment to see if you were in the kitchen or bathroom, but he heard nothing from within the apartment. Where the hell were you? How long had you been gone? Why hadn’t you told him you were going out? He knew he was paranoid – but then again people were definitely out to get him.

Billy got out of bed, regretting that you weren’t there for your morning kiss, too. You had him incredibly spoiled for waking up together less than a week. You fell asleep cuddling and woke up sprawled across him. He was an early riser by nature and even moreso now that he was on alert, and you slept like the dead. How the hell you had gotten out of bed, gotten dressed and got out of the apartment without him knowing was actually a little disturbing to his inner badass.

He stalked out to the living room and into the kitchen. Nothing was amiss. You had even made coffee. He opened the cabinet that contained mugs and there was a note for him.

_Morning, Baby!_

_I bet you’re pretty pissed at me right now for sneaking out? Believe me, you didn’t have any covers on and it was not easy to walk away from all that!_

_But errands need to be run. And I knew you’d flip out if I tried to go while you were awake. So drink some coffee, eat something and relax til I get home in a few hours._

_I love you, William!!! You’ll get all your morning kisses and cuddles when I get home, plus we’ll have food to make for Christmas dinner!!!_

_Back in a few, love. This is gonna sound stupid, but I miss you!_

Billy got some coffee and made toast quick, but hardly relaxed. He turned on the news and checked to see if there had been any sightings of him, and then spent the rest of the time staring out the gap in the curtains covering the living room window.

He saw you coming down the street completely overloaded. Fuck. It would be so easy to take you right now and you had no clue, just strolled along dragging grocery cart with – was that a live Christmas tree tied to it?

Billy had to smile. You went out and got things so he could have a nice Christmas. He couldn’t be mad for that.

He heard you thumping up the steps, wishing he could at least help you bring things in. When he finally saw you appear in the peephole, he opened the door for you, stood off to the side and took bags from your arms as you dragged your cart inside. As soon as you were inside and the door was closed, Billy pressed you against it and kissed you, deeply and hungrily.

“I was so fucking worried when I woke up and you were gone,” he panted against your hair. “Don’t do that again.”

“Baby,” you said, holding him close, “did you not find the note?”

“I did, but I wish you would have told me you were going. My heart stopped when I woke up alone.”

“Is that why you’re only wearing pants? I was hoping you were going to try and tempt me back into bed,” you said with a grin, dropping a kiss onto his chest.

“Babe,” he said, holding you by your shoulders at arm’s length and looking into your eyes. “You could get hurt roaming around alone and unarmed.”

You placed your hand against his cheek, understanding now that he was genuinely scared when he woke up alone. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He nuzzled his cheek into your hand. “You did. I’m not used to worrying about anyone other than myself. Can you give me some time to deal with that before you take off again?”

You hugged him, not liking that you had caused him upset when you were simply trying to surprise him. “I just wanted us to have a nice first Christmas together,” you whispered against his chest.

Billy felt shitty. “I know, babe. I’m an ass. I just don’t know how to be with you and not be able to protect you. I want to be able to keep you safe.”

“William, I love you so much,” you said, holding his cheeks and pecking his lips. “But I have been taking care of myself for a long time.”

“I know, babe, but you have to understand,” he said quietly, “I’ve seen so much violence and I just can’t stand the thought of anything happening to you.”

“Then I will run it by you before I go out next time,” you said with a squeeze. “But that does not mean I will ask permission.”

“I would never expect you to,” he said, relief in his voice. “Now is that a Christmas tree?”

“Smooth transition from getting your way, baby,” you said with a wink.

“Thank you,” he said, pecking your nose.

“Yes, I decided that we were going to have a nice Christmas breakfast and dinner and decorate a tree and have lots and lots of sex.”

“You do know my taste,” he said as he leaned down to kiss your neck in that one spot that always made you make that one noise.

“Yes, I do,” you said, tilting your head to give him better access while you ran your nails down his back lightly. “And it is delicious.”

Billy moaned at your tone and bent over and threw you over his shoulder, growling like a caveman while you giggled as he carried you into the bedroom and dropped you on the bed. He made a show of diving on top of you, catching his weight on his hands before he landed on you and then lowering himself to press against you. You loved to feel his weight on you and he knew it, so he took your hands and linked them with his, pulling them up above his head while he kissed you. Your tongues lazily rubbed together as you wrapped your legs around him.

As he kissed down to your neck, you said, “Baby?”

“Hmmm?” he said, not slowing his assault on your senses.

“Should we…I dunno…take our clothes off?”

“I only have jeans on,” he said against your neck, just below your ear, deep, husky voice giving you shivers.

“But,” you said, biting your lip when he flicked his tongue against your pulse, “I still have on my coat. And like all my clothes. And shoes. Socks. Panties. Bra. Hat. Lotta clothes here.”

Billy lifted his head from your neck and said, “I feel like you’re trying to tell me something.”

“I’m trying to tell you to undress me and then kiss me, William!!”

Billy laughed and let go of your hands. “I can kiss you with your clothes on, babe.”

“Fine,” you huffed. “Then get off me and let me go put the groceries away.”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, babe,” he laughed, rolling off you.

“You are nothing but a tease. There went your cookies, mister,” you grumped as you started to get up.

Then you felt resistance and your jacket and hat were gone and tossed to the floor. Next you felt his long fingers slip under your sweater and slide it up and off of you from behind. Next came the bra, which caused both of you to groan. Billy slid closer behind you and pulled you back between his legs, which were miraculously bare. As your back rested against his chest you felt his hard cock, hot and twitching against your lower back. You shimmied out of your boots, socks, jeans and panties and were naked. You quickly flipped over and straddled Billy’s lap, leaning forward and kissing him while rubbing lightly against his groin.

“Now who’s the tease, Y/N?” he said, his voice harsh with desire.

“I’m just enjoying the view, William,” you said as you took in the man you loved while you ran your hands over his chest and stomach.

Billy sat up and pulled you against his chest, overwhelmed with all the feelings that you brought to the surface when you looked at him with such adoration. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your lovemaking went from playful to tender in that moment, Billy’s kisses gentle and sweet as your bodies joined.

He set a slow pace, gently rubbing your back and hips while whispering his love to you. You slowly slid up and down his length, reveling in the sensations of being slowly filled, squeezing Billy’s cock with your walls and being rewarded with his deep, guttural groans.

You felt the tightening in your stomach that you wanted to reach, you needed to move faster, but Billy grabbed your hips and wouldn’t allow you to increase the pace. You looked into his eyes and said, “Faster,” to which he replied, “No.”

You leaned back and put your hands on his thighs to change the angle, then slid your hand down his thigh to tease his sack. The sight of your breasts thrust forward and bouncing and his cock sliding in and out of your pussy drove him wild. That combined with the feeling of his balls being gently caressed and the squeeze of your walls drove Billy to increase the pace.

“You want me to fuck you faster, you bad girl?” he asked, smacking your ass lightly.

“Yesss,” you groaned, this angle rubbing that spot Billy could always find perfectly. “Harder.”

Billy growled and rolled you onto your back. He pulled one of your legs over his shoulder and teased your entrance with his tip, flicking it over your clit once or twice and sending you into full-body shivers.

He bit and then kissed your knee by his mouth, then said, “What do you want?” while still rubbing his cock along your folds.

“Your cock,” you moaned, raising your hips to try and entice him into sliding into you.

He pushed his tip in and pulled back out and said, “Ask me nicely, baby girl.”

You looked him in the eye and said, “Give me your cock right now, William Russo.”

Billy laughed in surprise and slid into you, both of you groaning ecstasy at the feeling of completion. Lowering your legs to his waist, Billy set a quick pace, which you met enthusiastically. You were soon close to your climax, Billy kissing and biting your neck between grunts and mutters of how good you felt. When your walls started fluttering around Billy, he started thrusting harder.

You started chanting his name and felt the high of your orgasm wash over you, then felt him shudder against you as he came deep inside you, prolonging your pleasure. You rubbed his sweaty back, still shivering and twitching.

Billy’s lips were moving against your neck between muttering, “So good, baby, so fuckin good,” while his hips were still moving slightly, pulling gasps and moans from both of you.

When you both came back to yourselves, Billy leaned back and said, “Damn, Y/N, you really know how to screw up my dom game.”

You laughed and Billy joined you. “Sorry, Daddy,” you said in a sexy voice.

“Ugh, now you behave,” he said, shaking his head. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you so so much, William,” you said, “and as soon as I regain the use of my legs I am going to make you breakfast.”

He laughed and rolled to his back and pulled you against him, swatting your backside. “I fucked you paralyzed, huh? Damn, I’m good.”

* * *

You got up a bit later and showered together, which took longer than strictly necessary. Soapy hands on each other’s bodies always got one or both of you going, so it wasn’t unusual to run out of hot water.

After making sure that you were both very clean, you got dressed and put away the groceries together, then made brunch. After that you set up the small Christmas tree and put the lights and ornaments on it. There was one tiny bag that you hadn’t opened yet, but you finally worked up your nerve and handed it to Billy.

He smiled and said, “You got me a present? You know I didn’t get you anything.”

You smiled and said, “It’s for both of us, really.”

He opened it and pulled out a Christmas tree ornament that said, ‘Our First Christmas Together, 2017.’ Eyes suspiciously shiny, Billy pulled you close and kissed you. “We’ll put this on our tree every year.”

“I love you, William.”

“I love you, too, Y/N.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Yup, smut!**

It had been about four months since you’d walked away from your life to be with a fugitive. Before you had made the decision, Billy had gone over everything you could expect: no contact with family or friends, no goodbye, fake names, traveling light and being around weapons and criminals.

But the upside was Billy. Maybe you were turning into a junior Harley Quinn, but you were ready to be on the wrong side of the law for this man. It was crazy and it was pretty much the opposite of your five-year plan, but there ya go. You fell in love with a criminal, and as much as you’d love to be able to say you were going to help him ‘go straight,’ you knew that he had no real choice now. He was a fugitive; he wouldn’t be sending out resumes.

And you knew that he had some really tenacious people hunting him and that you might not get a happily ever after with your William. But damned if it wasn’t worth it for every minute you got to spend with him. But between Madani and Castle, you were constantly looking over your shoulders.

Oh, the news said that Castle was dead, but as Billy had said many times, “He came back from the dead before. I’ll believe it when I see the body with my own eyes.”

So you had packed a few clothes and your Christmas tree ornament, left your cell phone and laptop behind and started a new life with your love.

You did miss your cell phone, though.

Your life was now burners and Billy – yet you were happy. Oh, not blissfully happy. Sometimes Billy could be a giant pain in the ass, but then so could you. What made it work was that you knew each other all the way to your souls and still loved and accepted each other unwaveringly.

Billy said that he definitely came out ahead in the acceptance department, but honestly, you were as guilty of his crimes now as he was. By loving him, you took on his sins and vice versa. He was a fugitive and you had been reported missing, but you could tell that Madani had a feeling something was off when she had questioned you. You were a person of interest in his continued evasion of the authorities, and if they could figure a way to use you against him they would.

* * *

Billy had taken some time to teach you how to shoot and handle various weapons, some hand to hand combat and how to be more aware of your surroundings. Since that time at Christmas when he had flipped his shit over your overloaded grocery cart and oblivious stroll, you had promised to be more careful.

Careful wasn’t enough: Billy wanted you to be a weapon.

His patience in training you had really made you feel loved. You knew it sounded weird that you felt loved when your boyfriend flipped you onto gym mats, but you knew he wouldn’t bother if he wasn’t so scared of losing you, and he wouldn’t be scared of losing you if he didn’t love you.

You had found a small apartment and Billy had paid the rent in cash three months ahead along with a security deposit. It was in a higher-end no questions asked kind of neighborhood, slightly sketchier than where you had lived before. You had been perfectly comfortable there and were perfectly comfortable here.

Billy, of course, hated that you had to 'live rough.’ He felt like he should be providing you with a palatial estate and servants, while you just wanted to be with the man you loved. He had gotten a taste for luxury when he was running Anvil, though, and didn’t like going back to his humble beginnings.

So, yes, at times you found yourself reassuring Billy that you were happy. He still didn’t think he was worthy of love, that he was too ugly to be wanted and that he had to be perfect so you would stay. The insecurities that he had felt as a boy growing up in the system had been hidden under his gorgeous exterior. Now that his facade had been brutally pulled down, Billy Russo went from bitter and angry to frightened and clingy. You did your best to reassure him that you truly loved him, but he was still waiting for you to leave him as everyone else he had allowed himself to care for had done.

Aside from training you to be a lethal weapon, your days were pretty much filled up with Billy and home. You were ready to leave at a moment’s notice, so you lived from duffel bags with go bags by the door. Billy was working on getting you fake ID to match his. Right now you were assumed to be married by the disinterested neighbors.

* * *

Billy was also trying to figure out what your next step was. Once he got your papers, you wanted to move somewhere and live under the radar. Billy was inclined to stay and get some payback from all the people who had laid all of the blame on him and let others slide.

“Babe,” you said reasonably, “yeah, you got shafted by Homeland blaming everything on you to keep the government’s reputation clean, but love…just because you didn’t do it alone doesn’t mean you didn’t do it.”

“Frank did all I did and more. Why does he get a pass? I fucking know he’s alive!” he ranted.

“Because you killed cops.”

“Because Rawlins ordered me to! He gets a fucking posthumous award and I get punished.”

“To be fair, he probably would have gotten punished if he had been alive,” you said calmly. Your job in these exchanges was to remain steady and even so that Billy could recover his composure.

“And why does Frank get a pass?” he repeated. This one was harder to dispute, because you rather agreed that while Frank’s anger with Billy and the people connected to his family’s murders was justified, he wasn’t working with or within the law. He should have been imprisoned for what had happened in Kandahar all the way to killing Rawlins.

It was the government’s handling of the entire situation that made it possible for you to leave your life behind to be with Billy. You’d had the rose-colored glasses of a true believer until you met William Russo. After learning how he had all the blame laid at his feel to keep Rawlins’ memory squeaky clean, and about how Frank was allowed to go on with his life, about how Madani basically ran a Honeypot on Billy…your faith in law enforcement had been destroyed.

Billy was pissed, and while had had brought some of it on himself, he was the only one who had been forced to deal with the consequences of his actions. Sure, Frank had killed the ringleaders, Rawlins and Schoonover, but the ensuing cover-up was criminal in your eyes. But Rawlins had been old money and he’d liked power. Old white dudes got away with things that peasants like Billy got executed for, and he was understandably pissed off.

* * *

One night a month or so after you had left with Billy, you were in bed snuggling. He was rubbing your back but you could tell something was bothering him.

“William?”

“Yeah?”

“Wanna tell me?”

“Fuckin’ Psych major,” he muttered.

You chuckled a bit. “It doesn’t take training to tell something is bothering the man you love, babe. So what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know if we can get clear,” he said quietly.

“Why not?”

He didn’t say anything for a little while. “Frank.”

You felt more than heard the single word. “What about Frank?”

“He’s doing his best to burn me, keeping me here. And he suspects you’re with me,” he said quietly. “He’s gone to anyone who can get you new ID made and threatened them. They’re more afraid of him than me.”

“Oh,” you breathed, barely audibly. “So the big, bad Punisher tells them not to make papers for me and they think he’s more dangerous than you.”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re trying to be a law-abiding citizen for me.”

“Yeah.”

You pushed off the covers and straddled his waist, his hands automatically going to your ass. You leaned forward and kissed him and then said, “Do you remember when you told me you loved me the first time?”

Billy smirked. “Vaguely.”

You made a pouty face and pinched his nipple.

“Ow!” he said, grabbing your hands gently. “Of course I remember.”

“Remember how I said you do what you have to and so will I?”

“Yeah,” he said more seriously.

“So, do what you have to. I’m in for the long haul, love. Ride or die and all that shit.”

Billy contemplated you for a moment. “How did you make me believe in love and all that sappy shit, Y/N?”

You leaned forward and kissed him gently, then nipped his lip a bit. “I’m just that charming, my darling husband Robert.”

“Ugh,” he groaned against your lips.

“What? Don’t like me calling you husband?” you teased, starting to wiggle your hips to try and get him hard.

“No, I liked that part,” he said, moving his hips against yours to rub his stiffening cock against your pussy. “Just don’t want you saying any other name in bed.”

“William,” you whispered before you kissed him hard. “You like that better? My William.”

“I fuckin’ love that,” he said, then he rolled you over so he could show you how much.

“Maybe I wanted to be on top, William,” you sighed as he kissed your neck.

“Your wish, babe,” he said, rolling over again so you could straddled him once more. “Don’t take too long. I wanna feel that wet pussy of yours.”

“Maybe you should inspect it and make sure it’s up to your cock’s standards,” you said, sliding your hips up his stomach to his chest.

He slid his hands up your tummy, pushing the old t-shirt you wore for pajamas up with his hands and tossing it to the floor. “Sounds like a good idea. Since it’s dark and all, I should probably get a pretty close perspective,” he said as he pulled your hips closer still. Then he grabbed the strings at the side of your bikini panties and snapped them one at a time, pulling your pussy up to his face when it was bare.

You had your knees on his pillow and straddled his face, his tongue swirling around your clit and dipping inside to lick up your sweet juices. He had one hand on your hip and the other squeezing your tits and playing with your nipples while he drove you mad with his mouth.

You grabbed his wrist and dragged his hand up to your mouth, licking and sucking his long, gorgeous fingers while you rode his face. The hand holding your hip had slipped around to dip his fingers inside you, overwhelming your pleasure center with the added stimulus.

“William, oh Christ,” you moaned as he took his hand back to hold you in place. “I’m gon–” you threw your head back with a loud groan and came, Billy holding you in place so he could drive you completely into orgasm heaven. You collapsed next to him on your stomach, and he got to his knees and grabbed your waist to pull you to yours.

You were still boneless with ecstasy, delicious aftershocks still running through your body when he slid his cock inside you in one hard thrust and started fucking you for all he was worth.

You picked up his rhythm after a bit and started meeting his thrusts, loving his grunts, growls and groans. “Harder,” you moaned. “Give it all you got, Russo.”

“Fuck,” he hissed, slamming into you. “I’m close.”

“Me, too,” you groaned.

Billy bent over your back to rub your clit, pushing you over the edge. As soon as he felt your pussy flutter around his cock he let loose and came so hard he saw stars.

He collapsed half on top of you, breathing heavily and running one hand all over your back and ass. “Fuck, how does it keep getting better?” he asked, panting.

“I dunno, but if you get any better it may kill me.”

“Same,” he gasped. “But definitely how I want to go.”

You giggled. “We need a shower.”

“Yes, shower sex!” Billy exclaimed.

“You got your second wind already?”

“I will once you start 'soaping’ my cock. Y’know, you’re not fooling anyone, babe.”

“So I happen to be addicted to your cock. That’s how I wanna go, too,” you said, kissing Billy. “Love you, William.”

“You too, Y/N.”

* * *

The next day you had a talk about your plans for the future. Eventually you planned to land in Vanuatu. It was an island nation near Australia and most importantly, they had no international extradition treaty with the United States. But before you could begin your new life, you still needed to get ID. That was still a problem because Billy hadn’t found anyone to make the ID yet.

There was, however, apparently a much bigger problem.

You sat next to Billy on the sofa, waiting for him to say whatever it was that had been worrying him.

“So, I should have told you this sooner,” Billy began hesitantly.

Your eyebrows scrunched together in worry. “What should you have told me?”

“The Feds…they found my accounts,” he responded quietly, dreading your response.

“All if them?” you asked, surprised. Billy had seemed pretty confident that the money was well hidden.

“Yeah, I,” he paused here to laugh a little maniacally, “I have nothing.”

“Wow,” you said, surprised and worried and, frankly, a little pissed.

“Yeah,” he whispered, disappointed that you were taking it hard.

“No, I mean, wow, you’re either a fuckin’ dumbass for thinking I’d care or you don’t think what we have is something. Which is it, William?” you asked in a scathing tone.

Billy looked up, eyes wide. “Guess I forgot about that fire of yours, huh?” he asked quietly, trying not to piss you off more. He did love your temper, you were magnificent – magnificent and scary.

“Looks like you did, yeah. I mean, what the fuck do I have to do to prove to you that I’m in this for you, not your money or what you can do for me? What the fuck, Russo?”

“I’m sorry, babe, I just,” he tried to take your hand and you jerked it away from him. He looked down in defeat. “I’m feeling pretty worthless and scared right now, Y/N.”

You stopped thinking about yourself and how his words had hurt you and considered the place he was in to say such a thing and sighed. You scooted over next to him on the sofa and straddled his lap as you usually did when he was feeling low. Something about your boobs in his face comforted him, you figured. “Sorry, love,” you said, cradling his face in your hands and kissing him sweetly. “I don’t need your money, I just need you. We’ll figure this out and get out of here.”

“Love you so much, Y/N,” he breathed, forehead against yours.

“I love you, too. Never forget that,” you said with another kiss. “Now, did they seize or freeze?”

“Neither. They said I withdrew it,” he answered angrily.

“Castle’s pet hacker?” you guessed.

“I honestly don’t know,” he answered, tired. “Madani hates me enough to break the rules, I think.”

“This fuckin’ bitch again,” you muttered.

Billy chuckled. Your jealousy never failed to stroke his ego.

You leaned forward and bit the tip of his nose gently. “Jerk,” you said as you moved your mouth to his, teasing him into kissing you.

Billy was in one of his “Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are” kind of moods. You leaned in and hugged him, his head pillowed in your breasts. He wrapped his arms around you, learning to accept comfort from you outside of sex. You kissed the top of his head, his hair starting to grow out from his velvety skull he’d had after surgery.

You leaned back to looking his beautiful dark eyes.“I know you’ll figure it out, and you know that I believe in you. Our choices are limited, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have any. So, run your ideas past me. At least one of them will involve you getting naked,” you said with a wink.

Billy smile and kissed your nose and then your lips. “I have to get money together.”

“OK. How?”

“I talked to some guys I trust from Anvil days. They were burned for associating with me, so they’re looking for work.”

“What kind of work?”

“Gun kind.”

“I know that,” you said as if it was obvious. “But like robbing banks or knocking over liquor stores or kidnapping or what?”

Billy looked at you like you were either insane or a sex goddess. Or maybe a little of both. “Ah we haven’t really started making plans. I didn’t think you would want me doing that sort of thing?”

You kissed him. “I don’t want you doing anything dangerous, but I know that you’re good at what you do, so you’ll take every precaution. As long as you come home to me and don’t kill anyone who isn’t a threat to you. You always come first.”

Billy kissed you hard and leaned his forehead against your again, eyes closed. “I love you, Y/N,” he whispered fervently, almost like a prayer. “The fact that you gave up everything for a…for me – that just fuckin’ blows my mind.”

You kissed him back, then kissed his eyes, nose and each cheek. “Well, you’re really good in bed,” you teased, trying to lighten his mood. “And I absolutely adore you. You are what was missing in my life.”

“What, being a fugitive was missing?” he said in a self-deprecating tone, eyes darting away from yours.

You tipped his chin up so you could look into his eyes. “Do we need me to lose my temper again, William?”

He smiled. “No, ma’am.”

“Good. Now carry me to bed. Maybe I’ll finally tie you to the bed and act out that hospital fantasy I had while I was sitting with you, hmm?” you asked in a sultry voice, grinding against his cock and feeling him harden.

“You wanna tie me up?” he asked, pulling your hips into his harder. “What if I tie you up and make you beg?”

“Whatever, Russo. Put up or shut up, I want your cock.”

* * *

Billy woke up alone. “What the fuck, Y/N?” he muttered, inner badass once again deeply offended by your ability to get out of bed without waking him. At least this time he could hear you puttering around in the kitchen.

He went to the bathroom and took care of nature’s call and then went out to get his morning kisses.

He found you at the stove, busily flipping pancakes, scrambling eggs and frying bacon. You had music playing quietly and you didn’t hear him, so he leaned on the door frame for a minute and just soaked in your natural aura of love. He had never known peace before and it took him a while to realize it, but that was the feeling you created within him.

You turned to get plates and saw him watching you. “You’re up!” you said as you came over and hugged him, dropping a kiss on his chest and then his lips. “Happy birthday, love!”

“Thank you,” he said with a squeeze. Of course you remembered his birthday.

You went back to your food prep and said, “You ruined surprise breakfast in bed, so we’ll eat at the table and have dessert in bed,” you said, looking over your shoulder and wiggling your eyebrows.

Billy chuckled and started to help until you shooed him out of your tiny kitchen.

You brought him coffee and bacon and eggs, then went back for pancakes with a candle on top singing the birthday song.

Billy blew out the candle and then pulled you into his lap.

“Did you make a wish?” you whispered.

“I got everything I need right here on my lap,” he said seriously, then kissed you, gently and full of love.

Everything wasn’t OK and tomorrow was a mystery, but for today, Billy allowed himself just to be happy with the woman he loved.


End file.
